Reasons why,

‘Why is it so hard for you to forget him?’

A simple question that I’ll still answer with my shaky voice while my eyes are fully crystallise. Sigh.

 What made you think it’ll be easy, to forget someone whom I once wanted to spend my entire life with? I already have taken my relationship to a new level, the moment I wanted to spend my entire life with him. And I know, once I decided that, I began brewing a possible future for the both of us in my little mind, and it was the most beautiful, and the happiest thing I could ever imagine. Day and night, I knit a perfect world for both of us, using the threads colored with love, commitments, and compromises. We both could do things that pleased both of us. We could enjoy listening to the same song. We could walk side by side holding hands while getting bathed in the sun or drenched in the rain or stay awake at night, stargazing into each other’s eyes. 

‘But he left you’ 

Yes, he did. I knew it as soon as he leaves. Because, that was when my whole world shatters: The clouds I filled with my dreams was once so white, so pure and now its in the darkest greys, the garden I planted with petals of care and love was once so bright, so sweet and now its all dead, and the house I build with his skin and smell is now crashed right in front of my eyes. So, in which essence of being left, made it easier for me to move on? 

‘Time heals’

I cant see what the future hold for me. And sadly, I can't even see me anymore in the future. But all I can see now is the pain, and by that, I didn't mean the pain that is striking me right at this moment, but the pain I know, that will continue for weeks, months and even years. And please, don't teach me how to be strong for I have lived this life for 19 years, and if you know me since 7 years back, you would know how much pain I’ve met and gone through. And don't even bother to say time heals, have you forgotten that forever is a time too? 

‘There’ll be someone else, someone better’ 

I always found someone better than him, even from the moment I gave my yes to him. In fact, I always knew, there are and will be, someone better than him, someone nicer than him, and might be, that someone is sitting right next to me. But its always him, since the very beginning. It's him who understand me well, and it's his face I failed to replace with somebody else’s. And knowing someone new requires a lot of energy, because a different person comes with a different nature, different likes and different reactions. And I believe that it will never be the same as his, and I know its true, deep in my heart. 

But now, he is finding someone new. He may have written a new name inside his heart. And I believe all those sweet nothings, and promises he once said to me, are being said to that girl. He’ll whisper his love, he’ll scream his happiness, and he’ll dream his reality. While I'm still here, loving him like I’m his. 

And to this new girl,
I might be the first girl he touched,
I might be the first girl that had seen him in his darkest form,
I might be the first girl he sleeps while singing his lullaby,
But now, it's you he chose.
He can be a pain in the ass.
He can be all about himself at times.
He can be as soft as the pink cotton candy I’m enjoying and can be as hard as the diamond I dreamt in my wedding ring.
He is a complex puzzle not being able to see the final picture of himself. I killed myself tenths times wanting to complete him. But I took so long, and he got bored.
But be proud of him. Be with him. And never have the thought of leaving him.
Never have I ever pour my love into someone this much, and if you can ever love him more than me, that will be the day I’ll smile in peace again. Just because I know, I wanted, and I needed him, to be happy, to be loved, and to grow.
You’re lucky.