sweet orange blossom,

My heartbreak is grief that comes in waves, grueling, stealing appetite and sleep alike. It is a shard in my guts that never leaves, though perhaps in time the edges will dull. It feels like death just the same as bereavement and in quiet moments, it chokes my body, and short circuits my mind. What was once whole is now shattered: Where once was peace is emptiness, with the echoes of love- you. 

365 days before now, I was in cloud nine; fireworks in all bright colours, romance played at the back sank with the sound of my heartbeats, and all those feelings came in all hues. It was the day you're mine. 

I am never tired remembering, telling, or writing our stories; how did we fell, our even our memories, but I think I wrote it too much here already. You or the person who is reading this, should know how much I love you by now.                                                                                                                                                                   

But you left, 

My sweet orange blossom, I wished you'd left during the night when I was at my happiest; even when all my happiest days were with you, when I am dancing around the kitchen making my favourite dessert, because love, then, I might dance the pain away. I wished you'd left in the morning when I am barely awake, I'll call you, no hiding, just tell me the reasons, because love, for in the morning, when my eyes are barely open, I might shrug it off as just another nightmare. I wished you didn't tell me that me that I deserve better, or that this is best for me, or that we weren't meant to be. Because love, I can't get anyone better when you're already the best. And love, how could you think that this is the best for me? When the best for me is always you. You know you've always been the one. And you know it was always meant to be... 

Yet, you left me during my lowest low, sending me straight to earth's core. You left in time I needed you most. I still remember the corner where I fell begging  you to stay a little longer, I remember sending you texts saying I love you and I need you even when my eyes were in all tears, I remember that pain in the chest it cost me just from your text, that you can't love me any longer. I wished you knew, how much pain I was in throughout the whole process. I wished you knew I begged to god giving you back. 

I wish i could forgive you for leaving me. I wish i’d have the strength to go on and face the future without your reassuring smiles, encouraging words, and the sound of your beating heart. You have always been my source of happiness and right now, i cant find any reason to be happy despite the fact that i have my family and my friends who have always been there to wipe my tears and convince me that everything is going to be alright one day. It’s definitely lonely and scary to venture out into a new chapter of my life without you by my side. You knows how much i fear isolation but I realised that im actually not- because its living without you that terrified me most. I often look back to the time we had together, when we were so happy and have no doubts abt being together in the future. I love reminiscing them everytime i miss you- and i know i miss you everyday, and sometimes, i wish i can bring them back. I still wonder what made you decided to stop holding my hands and just give up on us that easy. 

It's strange, and frightening; how you pushed me away so bad, when you promised me you'll forever holding me close: how I am no longer beautiful when you said I was a beautiful painting even when I'm pale: how easy it is for you to lose us and everything we had. I know, most people think we're still young- too foolish and too naive, but you know when it's true, and as cheesy as it sounds, he is my anchor; keeping me in place in this world of chaos. And I love him so much, it would only need a bullet to kill both of us... or now, I guess me. 

My sweet orange blossom, I know i haven't tell you how much I love you or how much I adore you, and I'm sorry for that. A musician would make you her sweetest song, a dancer would dance for your in all grace, and a chef would cook you her finest dish. But love, I'm a poet who is still juggling with words, and so I wrote you a book my love, a book I write everyday and everynight, about my feelings towards you. I wrote you a book that could have meet your eyes maybe today or few days later. Now love, the book will forever be unread. The book will never meet the person which is fully written on it. 

I miss you. I miss you so much my love, my sweet orange blossom. I know you can't hear as I'm saying this. But I'm here, and I'll forever be here my love. I'm not going anywhere, no matter how far, or how long it is until we talk again. If we ever do. 

Just know that I am in love with you and that love doesn't die. And if this turns out to be dead, that it was never love. Rather, something quite different and I have no words left to describe what it could possibly be, have this not been love? I personally never promised you a forever my love, but I promised you my lifetime- until death do we part, and it appears that, that time may be here or near.. 

I wished you would forever be in love with my name; like I do with yours, letting it echoes inside my head. I wished you'll remember how far you fell when you looked into my hazel brown eyes when it kissed the sun. I wished you'll remember the scent I left you through your sweater. I wished you would really care when you see how miserable I am now, and that there's no way out- but it appears not, so I'm sorry for wasting your time, and even existing in your life when I wasn't what you needed, even when it's you I needed the most. I know you're so far away now my love, but I hope, that oneday, you'll hear my name, and you'll stop walking, and your heart will skip a beat, that my name will echoes in your ears, making you think how different it would be, or all the chances you could've had, you know you could just turn back, you know I would always take your hands again, and while you can, I might won't- because I'm no longer here, 

Happy first my love, I wished I would have tell you how much I love you sooner, and had the chance to give you the book I've written. You're out there my love, somewhere far away, but I prayed nothing but the best and angels' wings to keep you safe.